When it comes to myself, I have the tendency to have standards the size of Mt. Everest. In some ways this is an amazing thing, but when it comes to grace and loving myself well, it usually doesn’t play out successful. These standards that I have placed on myself seem to be unreachable more times than not, although they sound great when talking about how awesome I am! Wow! I just said that! Truth comes out when you let it. It has been an amazing year. I have seen so many people post about their Spotify faves and the top people they listened to and etc. I couldn’t help it but when I saw them over and over, I thought how cool is that they can see that and I wonder who I listened to the most over this year. I then heard something that woke me up before coffee did, and you all know that is a real thing. God spoke to me, and said the you can see the fruit of who you listened to this year. You don’t need someone to tell you. I instantly thought, this could get really raw really quickly. Lord, who have I been listening to this year? Has it been you? Are my ears still tuning into you like Samuel? Have I allowed other voices to come in and become louder than yours? In what areas has your voice become the anchor and in what other areas what lies am I listening to? What strangers are speaking in areas that they shouldn’t be? I can name many areas that have soared this year and I will celebrate them! I can also see the areas that I have allowed the wrong voice speak to me and play on repeat. There is one particular area that has been suffering from listening to the wrong voices. My health journey has felt much like ship ride at the amusement park. If you don’t know what I am talking about then google it, but don’t “youtube” it, you might find yourself sick while watching it. Much like a swing but in ship form, you go up very high and almost feeling like you are about to flip over and when you go down, it feels very much like your stomach is in your head. This year has come with some amazing travels and amazing breakthroughs along the way! Yet this one area of health has been such a “ship in my flesh” that at times I struggle to celebrate the great things that have come to pass this year. a few years ago I lost over 80 pounds and I felt the healthiest I have ever felt. I went through lots of inner healing and walked a painful road of facing self-hatred. The great thing was that I conquered a lot by facing it all and with grace I overcame so much. The hang up? Well I have gained about 40 pounds back in the last year and half plus. I didn’t think it was really affecting me deeply as I was keeping my mind renewed and fighting the lies. I was also traveling a lot and didn’t have lots of time to think about all the inner workings of my heart. I would come back from traveling and do my best to cleanse and hit it hard in the area of health, and before you know it I was out traveling again. My ups were up and my downs were down. I couldn’t seem to find a consistency within this journey that at one time was like walking the same road everyday. At one time there wasn’t any ups and downs, there was nothing but smooth roads. I had a routine I stuck to and that was that. I loved myself well in this area. I knew my “no’s” because I knew my “yes” was health and long life. It is just so much easier to live when you know your yes and no! Yet the struggle remains so real for me. Here I am now and I realized that I have hardened my heart in disappointment in this area of health. Thank God I have learned in this moments to reach out and not isolate. I reached out to a mentor and we talked on the phone and uncovered so much in sharing and bringing so much to light. I am fighting disappointment. My flesh wants to be so angry that I am where I am and that I have to repeat this journey. I want to get to the place where I can peacefully just jump on the journey and walk it with self love and care, knowing my worth. I know that I can get there and believe I will get there soon. Yet I need to confront the disappointment in myself and grieve it. I can’t just forget it. I can’t just pretend that all is ok. I must face it. I must confront it. I must grieve it and from that place I must let it go. It must die. It can’t keep traveling with me. i wasn’t made to carry this. It isn’t from the Kingdom of Heaven. It wasn’t destined for me to walk with this on my back.
In the past, I had the tendency to beat myself up for not getting it right. I see now that I have a tendency to beat myself up because I did something so well and then felt like I lost it. I assumed I arrived somewhere that I wouldn’t have to be visited again. Yet here I am again, visiting this place in my heart not because I failed, but because I lost focus and I allowed disappointment keep me down. Failure isn’t fatal unless you quit! I haven’t quit but I have had a rude awakening on how easy it is to want to quit because you are listening to the wrong voices. See we all have mentors, voices that play a heavy role in what we think and why we think it. You may not have a tangible person you call “mentor” but nonetheless, you have voices in your head. I have much to remind myself in and grow in. I am fighting my fight with truth and honesty. See you can’t have victory over something you can’t acknowledge. And in times where I tend to want to beat myself up Lord, help me drop the bat and pick up a feather.