Lessons I’ve Not Learned

You know the saying that time flies when you are having fun, the other side of that is of course that time drags when you’re not.. One step further it seems to stop when you are in pain. Most people that talk about pain are able to share some perspective and teach something about the pain they have gone through or are going through and their lessons learned.

I can’t say that, and have struggled with the fact that I can’t. If nothing else we want to feel validated and to know that the bad times are worth the illusive “it”. We put so much pressure on ourselves to get to next step, to move from one level to another, to change and grow.

For someone like me who likes to compartimentalize things – to put everything in it’s place so it all makes sens. Feeling like I’ve not learned a lesson is brutal. To feel like you are just living from day to day and not seeing growth or not feeling any sense of change is nothing short of an injustice. But you can’t force a lesson, any more than you can force a flower to grow. It happens in it’s own time.

So I’ve stopped trying to figure out the lesson. I’ve stopped trying to make sense of the hurt. I can’t help but think of the verse “Be still and know that I am God” . It doesn’t say be still and figure it all out or be still and get the lesson.

So what I know right now is I don’t feel like I’m learning anything, but I am living. Mabye that is the lesson. I used to approach living as, “what can I learn? “ being the focus and purpose of my life and right now my only option is to learn how to live.
-Amy E.